Congress Officially Declared Frozen Pizza as a Vegetable

“On Tuesday, Congress decided that pizza is a vegetable. I have to imagine that this news instilled confusion in many Americans, as many Americans are (a) familiar with pizza, (b) familiar with vegetables and (c) sane.

But, to provide specifics that will in no way dispel your lingering thoughts that we are governed by morons but at least allow you some anthropological insight into how a group of morons who have been given permission to sit in a fancy room in Washington, D.C., and grunt at each other actually think, here is their thinking: Pizza is a vegetable for the purposes of determining what goes into public school lunches by virtue of the fact that pizza traditionally includes a schmear of tomato paste. (Botanically speaking, tomatoes are actually fruit, but we’re going to have to just let that slide.)”

“You may still be wondering how it came to pass that Congress arrived at the conclusion that pizza could count as a serving of vegetables. Wonder no more! Congress was guided along this path by lobbyists. And lobbyists can do all sorts of things, by magic! (Except provide nutritious lunches for children.)”

“Here’s a fun fact! If a child incorrectly identifies “pizza” as a “vegetable” on a standardized test, there’s an entirely different group of lobbyists who will argue that public school teachers have failed America’s children.”


“If there were any lingering doubts as to whom our elected representatives really work for, they were put to rest Tuesday when Congress announced that frozen pizza was a vegetable. The United States Congress voted to rebuke new USDA guidelines for school lunches that would have increased the amount of fresh fruit and vegetables in school cafeterias and instead declared that the tomato paste on frozen pizza qualified it as a vegetable.

For this we can thank large food companies — in this case ConAgra and Schwan — which pressured Congress to comply with their financial interests. It simply doesn’t suit the makers of frozen pizza, chicken nuggets and tater tots for schools to offer real food in the form of fresh fruits and vegetables.”


This is RIDICULOUS. Seriously? You think PIZZA is a vegetable? Now this goes back to how much effect big corporations’ lobbyists have on the government, and furthermore, how much effect the government has on our children, their health, and their future.

How should we handle this? There are three things we as a people can do:

1. If you happen to be in NY, join the movement and attend Occupy Big Food’s rally this Saturday from 1 to 3 in Zuccotti Park.
2. How about we elect people who will put the citizens they ought to be serving (and their future) as a priority?
3.  Lastly, – but most importantly – raise your own children. And don’t be stupid. 

Please and thank you.


Warning: My rambling leads to cannibalism. Not the act of it, just the discussion topic. So far.

I’m totally in one of those moods where I can ramble really effectively and just from one topic to another topic to another. And what the fudge, exactly, does “ranmble effectively” even mean? What’s the goal of rambling? Is there a point?  Some one should run for senator and campeign all about how they should be elected because they can ramble really well and would rock the house down during filibusters (because this is the only scenario I can think of where rambling has a purpose).  And a senator who can rock the House down while rambling is even more impressive because the House is a whole other part of Congress! 

Anyway, what I meant is that I’m in this mood and I kind of like it because it’s like I get to explore my brain and just see where it goes (which can be very dangerous rewarding, I assure you.)

And my friend, Danike, wrote this post and in it, she mentioned about how she didn’t have any peanut butter to go with her jellyed bread and I responded and it makes me kind of worried proud that I was able to ramble this long about possibly the most unimportant point in her post.

My response:

I’ll be your peanut butter! ….Metaphorically, of course. I don’t know how I feel about being covered in bread covered in jelly.  I don’t think I like that very much. And I can’t imagine it’d taste all that great. And I’m getting a little weirded out imagining what I’d look (or taste) like with jelly and bread.  I do know that I wouldn’t taste as good with it as peanut butter. I wasn’t made from peanuts. I was made from human.  And God.  He was a part of it, too.  But I guess if you’re into the whole human-jelly thing, then hit me up.  We might (totally NEVER) work something out. But if you are one of those people who are into human jelly, what part of the human is the jelly from?  Not like I really want to know, but my curiosity always killed all my cats. If it’s made out of organs or goo or something that can be removed from a person and they can still live, is it still canibalism?  But I imagine if you make human-jelly out of the parts of humans that are extraneous, it wouldn’t be as good. But if you made it out of hearts, then wouldn’t that just be poetic?  And because of how poetic it is, people would be all, “dude, if I eat this heart jelly, will I fall in love?” and they’ll think they’re kidding but they’ll all secretly hope that they will and then they will because of the Placebo Effect. But the problem will be that they’ll fall in love without the guaruntee that they’ll have some one to fall in love with. I mean, in love with them back. That would suck if you ate the jelly hoping for a lover and you fell in love with your pet donkey or something like that guy in a Midsummer Night’s Dream. Only he was made INTO a donkey and then had a fairy queen fall in love with him. And she got toally rejected! Poor thing. Apparently, that wasn’t flower juice Puck used, it was heart jelly.  Maybe the donkey man just needed some heart jelly, too. Maybe every one needs heart jelly!  Everyone would “fall in love” with everyone!

I just found out the key to world peace.


Till now, I’ve avoided blogging about politics, but here I go.

Congress just spent 800 billion dollars. How much is that? If you spent 1 million dollars every day since Jesus’s death, you wouldn’t have reached that. 1 million dollars a day for 2,000 years, and you still wouldn’t have spent as much as Congress just did. And what do you get in return? Virtually $13 a week, and economists say the stimulus plan will hurt the economy in the long run than if we just let things play out.

You know, when Obama talks about past economies, he never mentions that the recession in the 1980’s was worse than the one we’re in now. And he probably avoids bringing it up because we got out of that recession with tax cuts.

You know, as much as I’d still disagree with it, the bill would be more effective if it didn’t have so much pork in it. For example, in that bill is 30 something million or billion dollars to save some species of swamp mouse. Lots more, but my personal favorite is the 38 billion dollars to promote “urban electric vehicles.” AKA, golf carts.

I know, I know. I’m complaining but I haven’t offered any better solution. But how about this: Why don’t we just suspend taxes for a couple months? Not sales tax, but the other stuff. That would instantly put thousands of dollars of people’s own money (that they know how to best spend, themselves) back into their own pockets. It would require no expansion of government and it would be effective immediately. Even just suspending income tax! So Congress and all them would still get paid.