Options and Contentment

Okay, first of all, I have to tell you about my lovely weekend! This past weekend I was able to have the honor of seeing my best friend play in her senior recital (she’s a piano major) and we got lots of time to go shopping and eat Thai food. It was just an awesome weekend. Also, her (actually down-to-earth and very sweet) sorority sisters welcomed me right in with their hall and sat with me during the recital and basically I feel like I made about 25 new friends this weekend. They were all super excited that I was engaged, even though they didn’t know me, and it was great to feel instantly brought in by a great group of girls. The bottom line is that my bestie is awesome and an incredible pianist and has great taste in friends (I mean, obviously!).

Now for the think-y stuff.

Even though I’ve only actually been back in my own house for about an hour an a half, I’m beginning to feel some anxiety again. Yes, a lot of it has to do with wedding planning, but most of it has to do with things I can’t control – people who I know will or won’t be willing to attend, the distance between us and my amazing photographer of an aunt (leaving us with only one weekend as an option for engagement photos by her, conflicting with other plans), and the fact that I have to just nail down a date and run. I’ll be touring some more reception sites this week (and hopefully choosing one) and I’m just hoping I can be guided to know when all of my upcoming decisions are correct. For example, I really hope it’s as easy as falling head-over-heels for a venue that seems too good to be true and they just happen to only have an opening on one of the two main dates we’ve been considering.

This brings up a whole philosophical discussion and struggle about whether or not people are happier with the more choices they have. Personally, I don’t think so. I firmly believe that more choices and options lead to dissatisfaction, second-guessing, and discontent. I’ve even read a couple studies that have backed this up.

Another example of this that happened today is that I submitted a take-home final exam for one of my classes. Two days early! Initially, I was all, “Go, me!!” but then I thought, I had more time. Maybe I should have proof read it again. Maybe I should have checked my math. Maybe I should have added more to the essays. It’s not like I was rushed. I could have done something different. When I submit assignments right on time, I feel more able to accept the fact that there’s nothing else I could have done – that I did what I did and had to submit it when I did. Having extra time makes me feel so anxious and like any points I get marked down are just all the more shameful and ridiculous because I could have theoretically put more time into it and should have (theoretically) no excuse to get any point at all taken off. It’s not like this for in-class exams because the moment the test starts, there’s a sense of calm I get when I know there is nothing else I can do – no cramming, no studying, no flashcards. I know what I know and I’ve done what I can and the only thing that is left is to answer the questions I know the answer to. But take-home tests, with all of their glorious benefits, still have that subtle, strange different layer of pressure, because they’re take-home.

I don’t know – am I the only one like this?

Put all of these feelings on top of getting to plan the biggest party I’ll ever throw, and there are so many decisions and different ways everything could go. I have to learn a new coping mechanism for making decisions other than “well, I finished it just before the deadline so it’s not like I had any more time to make it perfect.” This contentment strategy will not fly in the real world, and planning my wedding is my first big taste of it.

Really, I plan to commit to just sitting and writing any time I feel like I have to talk about or debate different decisions in my head (or when I’m laying awake trying to figure it all out in my head). Like, right now I need to go type up a specific conversation with myself about photography sessions and dates. I obviously also call my mom and friends when I need it, but there are so many decisions where there’s no real right or wrong way to do things, and they can’t really make the calls for me.

Do you experience this dissatisfaction with increased options? What’s your go-to decision-making strategy?

Just so we didn’t go the whole weekend without getting pictures together, I made sure to wake her up with some before I left!

12/12/12 (with 12 Days ’till Christmas)

In spirit of the day, here’s 12 things I… well, just 12 things.

1. It looks like I can start working through the application process to go to London next fall to study for a semester!

2. I swear the Thought Catalog knows my life and publishes pieces that are eerily applicable to my life all the time.

3. Parenthood, the TV show, is perfect and gives me all sorts of feelings and I think everyone should be friends with my friends who are the characters on the show.

4. I don’t think I’m the only one who can say this, but I really wish I still thought Christmas is magic and that it brings miracles and that everything is magically okay and easy and no one feels out of place anywhere including me.

5. I really hope 2013 beings better and more promising that 2012 did. I am looking forward to that.

6. Random fact: I need to get back to focusing my health after exam week. New Year’s resolutions to jump start and all that.

7. Oh yeah! EXAMS ARE OVER. I made it. I don’t know my grades just yet but I’m done with this semester and I’m so very much enjoying having no responsibilities when I’m not at work and being able to sleep in until unreasonable hours.

8. Should I be done with my Christmas shopping? Are normal people done with their Christmas shopping yet?

9. I want more money but I don’t want to work more. Hrmm.

10. There’s a play I want to audition for and the role that I am best suited for as far as description, but… “she is age 18-40: Very pretty, kooky, with large horn-rimmed glasses. Quick to strip down to her underwear, and then runs around wrapped only in a sheet.” Yeahhhhh. That last part won’t fly. Shame.

11. It’s time for bed right now but I have to finish this list.

12. Today was rough. This week/month/semester has been rough. Time for a sleep coma.

And goodnight.

I have a confession

I know you all think it’s incredible that I can draw perfectly symmetrical shapes in my illustrations. It’s a gift, really. And a curse.

Wait, no. Sorry.

Alas, I must confess to you all, that my wondrous new phablet has this awesome thing that will perfect any shape I draw.

For example…

Shapetacular_01Because of this sweet trick, I’ve been feeling a little like this when I waste all my time drawing and tricking you guys into thinking that I have perfect-shape-drawing skills:

Shspe crazy_01

Wow…. I guess that is a little terrifying now that I see it like this.

Finals week really takes a lot out of some people.

It’s December, 2012

What? Really?

When did that happen? Didn’t this past semester just start? Huh.

Looking back, a lot has happened this year. My family moved for the second time in a year, I traveled to London for my first time ever overseas, finalized my major, broke out of my regression into shyness which happened when I came home from going away to college, and I started singing again, which I also haven’t done since I came home, and I started a new job (I’m a waitress).

Oh, and I made a new friend!

Kaylee_01(2)

I met her in my acting class. Thanks to a monologue she did, I always picture her peeling potatoes. She works as a server and bartender and I picture her garnishing a martini, while peeling potatoes. Or taking someone’s order, while peeling potatoes. And hating Oklahoma. But that’s okay. She blogs, too. And she’s pretty and hilarious. And she’s tall, like me. She also just got engaged. I considered drawing her left arm super short just so I could show you guys there’s a ring on her left hand, but I already made her eyebrows take up an eighth of her face (which is not reality) and didn’t want you to also think she only had 1.5 arms.

I know 2013 is going to be very… interesting. Lots of things going on in my personal life that will be interesting (to say the least) to see how they play out. Some of these things I really just do not want, but that’s kind of how life is sometimes.

However, before 2013 starts, I really have to finish the last 3 things I have to do to finish up this semester. I have a short reflection essay I have to write for one of my classes due in two days, a monologue Tuesday night, and an extra credit assignment I should really just get done by tomorrow night. But I really do put the “pro” in procrastination, so naturally I’m not doing any of those until last minute and have instead been drawing for the last two hours on my new phablet.

I got the Samsung Galaxy Note 2 on Thursday. It’s a phablet (= phone + tablet) and it has more processing power than my actual computer and that’s totally okay with me for now. I had planned on waiting to upgrade to this until Christmas, but my boyfriend upgraded on Wednesday and I got phone envy. I probably should have waited until exams were over, though, considering how much my productivity has plummeted since I got it. I think I’ve spent about 3 hours total just drawing on it today.

No caring_01

So yeah. Maybe I can get myself to kick my butt into gear. Maybe not. Probably. Right before it’s due.

Procrastination_01

click to enlarge

Just pretend you can read that. I’m still getting used to this stylus.

shut up.

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