Everything is easier in theory.

In English, we just finished reading Beloved by Toni Morrison (phenominal book). In it, there is a stream-of-consciousness section.  Every week, we have to do two journal entries: One assigned, one that we choose. Today, we wrote our own streams-of-consciousness for our assigned journal entry. 

After I got through the initial I’m-writing-with-a-blue-green-pen-because-my-purple-one-won’t-work-right thoughts, I ended up on one core idea. Because it’s in stream-of-consciousness, the grammar and punctuation are not correct.  That’s how it’s supposed to be. Here’s that part of my writing – right off the paper:

 

 

I love people. The hardest thing about people is when you have to hurt them. How do you comprimise your not wanting to hurt them with your I need to hurt them? How do you take not hurting them and the amuont you need to and take the average? When you have to tell some one something but it hurts or when you have to do something but it hurts. How has the human race lived through life? I mean, how have people not just decided to stop living? and i don’t mean suicide, I’d never, ever do that. I mean going numb or deciding other people are too much to deal with? Do things end up worth everything it takes, eventually? Everything is so much easier in theory. You say oh, I’d do this in situation X, but wwhen situation x actually happens, it starts looking and feeling like the quadratic equation. Is there a math problem that you can use to figure out what to do? Plug in the result you want for Y, plug in who your action and decision will effect for X and Z, plug in the outcome you absolutely DO NOT want as Q, plug your heart into the equation and solve it. Or would that mathmatic equation take the worth and purpose out of life? Take the trial and error and learning out of life? If we had a math problem to make our choices for us, would we stop thinking? stop feeling? stop valuing other people and start viewing them as mere variables?

 

 

 

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A Shared Secret

I absolutely love Post Secret. People send in post cards, anonymously, with their secrets on them, and the guy in charge of the whole thing posts some every Sunday. It’s lovely. A couple weeks ago, I saw a secret that is exactly one of mine. Now, I know that I am, by far, not the only one who has experienced this. I found it remarkable that some one else in the world shared the same secret. Exactly. Every detail.

At first, I didn’t think anything of it. But then a thought popped in my head. Probably a silly thought, improbable and ridiculous. But, what if I had sent it in? What if I did it without knowing I did? People do all sorts of things in their sleep. But I don’t sleep walk, I sleep talk.                      Another personality?

What if I did have another personality? What would she be like? Which part of me? The good, the evil, or the girl struggling in between?  Really, it’d be between the part that hates and swears and yells and insults and fights, and the part that is the innocent, naive, behaved, encouraging, and playful. I am the girl struggling in between. But which personality would win over the other? Or would it simply be like another person?  And if it was, would it be some one I would like or even want to be friends with (if, obviously, she wasn’t the same person as me)? Or a girl I would resent and be irritated by?

Yes, I realize I’m thinking too much about it.  I do that.

So here’s to over-analyzing and thinking too much.

Thing to smile about #2: Being home alone but not being lonely.